My Presidential Endorsement
The New York Times’ recent decision to endorse two separate candidates for president has been met online with confusion and ridicule, with critics deriding the publication for its indecisiveness and general disconnect from what average American citizens want in a presidential candidate. Considering Warren’s plummeting poll numbers and Klobuchar’s ongoing struggle to break above 2% nationally, this set of endorsements were seen by some as last-ditch efforts to save dying campaigns and not at all reflective of who the strongest democratic candidate may be.
I also found myself unsatisfied with the Times’ choice, but not for the aforementioned reasons. I personally believe that the Times was not indecisive enough with their endorsement, and that their simplistic break between the “radical” and “realist” wings of the democratic party leaves many people who find themselves in the middle unrepresented. This is why I hereby endorse A Gelatinous Flesh Blob Made By Smashing Together All The Candidates for president.
The Flesh Blob might be seen as a controversial choice, but I believe no candidate is more suited to bring our divided country together than one who is literally a bunch of people brought together. The Blob has the political experience of established politicians like Senator Sanders and Vice President Biden, can garner the support of affluent college educated whites like Senator Warren, and is as comfortable in caves as South Bend’s Mayor Pete Buttigieg. The Blob shows a real prowess for abusing staff - much like Senator Amy Klobuchar - and excels at being a soulless, garbage-faced fuck like former New York mayor Mike Bloomberg.
I personally believe that the difficult electoral battle ahead is a Job for the Blob™ and that you should vote for it, stupid. However, you shouldn’t just take my word for it. Here is where the blob stands on the issues important to you, the voter I’m condescending to:
The Supreme Court
The Blob opposed the confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court and advocates for a complete overhaul of the judiciary system, starting with the creation of a “Justice Blob.” The Justice Blob will initially be comprised of the sitting justices, with famed TV judges like Judy Shiendland and the corpse of Joseph Wapner being grafted in as early as 2022. It will also serve as jury and executioner, saving taxpayers money.
Gun Control
While bullets do not appear to harm the Blob, it does believe that all children* have the right to attend school without fear of death. However, the creature declined to extend protections to movie theaters or grocery stores, saying “guns are cool and we should see them work somewhere.” This stance has been praised by former Obama staffers, as it highlights the Blob’s readiness to make unnecessary concessions to Republicans.
Medicare For All
When asked about the benefits of Medicare for All compared to a public option, The Blob answered with guttural wails and a heartfelt plea for death. I found this response nuanced, elegant even; an act of verbal ballet that would satisfy both moderate coastal elites and moderate midwestern boomers.
Green New Deal
The Blob has not explicitly endorsed the Green New Deal, but it has vomited a flesh-colored slime onto a printed copy of it. It declined to comment further, so I guess that means what you want it to.
Immigration
The Blob welcomes all people to join its fleshy union.
*Applies to American children only. The Blob will honor the bipartisan tradition of mercilessly bombing schools in other nations.